I’m a guy, growing up as one of four brothers, and I have five boys. I also have a wonderful wife who has been my companion for over 30 years. I can’t give you much input on fashion or hairstyles, but perhaps I can give you a more sturdy perspective about attractiveness from a man who sees beyond skin deep.
I’ve had three thoughts about female beauty rattling around in my head of late, and I’ll just throw them out there. Maybe one of them will touch you.
1. First, regarding young ladies: Aspire to be pretty, according to how Pat Archibold describes it in this post (go ahead, read it and come back. I’ll wait…). Yes, it means being counter-cultural. And this is one time, gals, when you need to have some cojones and respect yourself enough to be something other than a commodity.
2. Secondly, for you women who are older: There is immense beauty in vibrant character. Trying to return to your teens is, frankly, unseemly. Your wisdom, life experience, and proven loyalty impart a different kind of beauty than any amount of makeup can. Being smart, hard-working, kind, and comfortable in your own skin brings a more enduring beauty than model-looks.
3. And, while we’re talking models, don’t buy into the current size zero skinny fad. Are you kidding me? Speaking from the male perspective, curves have never gone out of style. Aspiring to weigh as much as a 16-year-old Olympic gymnast is really foolish. Curves are good. <—-Trust me on this one (also, I will tell you something that remains utterly true: when you are pregnant, you really are radiantly beautiful). I’m not saying that letting yourself balloon into obesity is attractive, but you might be surprised how many women can rock the house in clothing sizes that go past one digit.
As a father, I talk to my boys about the various girls/women that cross their path. Fortunately, they have a rare example of female beauty in their mother – and they know it. They can see the shallowness that surrounds them, and I’ve got to say – if you aspire to real beauty and character, you may not have a lot of competition out there anymore! I know what I want to see in a daughter-in-law – self-respect, smarts, appropriate modesty, a strong backbone, and solid character. Hot chicks are a dime a dozen. Real women are rare jewels.
Be one.
P.S. for those visiting Steve’s Free for the first time (Welcome!), this is my little-known personal blog. Most of my marketing/branding/business ramblings are over at Connection Agent, if that’s what you’re into…
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Thanks so much Steve. This is a note that needs to be shouted from the house tops. We as men need to be proactive where we can with the young women in our sphere of influence.
Ralph
Your post reminds me of this psalm, that is usually delivered by a husband to his wife at Sabbath. (I like the focus on valor.) I’m still wearing mascara and blush, tho, no matter how I gird my loins.
A Prayer for a Woman of Valor
A woman of valor, who can find? Far beyond pearls is her value.
Her husband’s heart trusts in her and he shall lack no fortune.
She repays his good, but never his harm, all the days of her life.
She seeks out wool and linen, and her hands work willingly,
She is like a merchant’s ships; from afar she brings her sustenance.
She rises while it is still nighttime, and gives food to her household and a ration to her maids.
She considers a field and buys it; from the fruit of her handiwork she plants a vineyard.
She girds her loins with might and strengthens her arms.
She senses that her enterprise is good, so her lamp is not extinguished at night.
She puts her hand to the distaff, and her palms support the spindle.
She spreads out her palm to the poor and extends her hands to the destitute.
She fears not snow for her household, for her entire household is clothed with scarlet wool.
Bedspreads she makes herself; linen and purple wool are her clothing.
Well-known at the gates is her husband as he sits with the elders of the land.
Garments she makes and sells, and she delivers a belt to the peddler.
Strength and splendor are her clothing, and smilingly she awaits her last day.
She opens her mouth with Wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She anticipates the needs of her household, and the bread of idleness, she does not eat.
Her children rise and celebrate her; and her husband, he praises her:
“Many daughters have attained valor, but you have surpassed them all.”
False is grace, and vain is beauty; a God-fearing woman, she should be praised.
Give her the fruit of her hands, and she will be praised at the gates by her very own deeds.
Proverbs 31:10-31
Roberta – Proverbs 31 is a wonderful passage, and any woman who aspires to be truly attractive will find a lifetime of instruction here. Mascara, blush, lipstick – hey, that’s frosting on the cake!
This is a wonderful post and a great reminder that quality is a true gift. As a young, single woman it isn’t always easy to be counter-cultural. But it is always worth it. Roberta I love that passage. I have Proverbs 31:25 on my bulletin board at work – “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.” Talk about a jewel!
I want to point out too that there seems to still be this myth in our society that marriage is the end all, be all goal for women. So many guys I run across (of course not your kids Steve!) think that quality women are so desperate for a ring on their finger that they will accept a less than quality man in order to get it. This just isn’t true. With more women finding fulfillment in their professional lives and just in their own personal lives – plus now so many of us are realizing that our other goals like buying a house or adopting kids can be accomplished with or without a partner – I think more men need to realize that for quality women, the desire to settle down isn’t worth settling for less than stellar men.
Ashley, I love how you talk about not settling for less-than-quality men. If more women would step up to that plate and challenge men to be the best they can be, we’d all be better off. Desperation and insecurity doom many woman to following a pattern of being “used” by unprincipled men. Stay strong, sister!
Thanks for posting this psalm. I needed it – new mantra! Thank you!
Love this! I hope women – and especially younger girls – see it and truly hear it – because the “be skinny and hot” message is what’s bombarded on them throughout almost every other medium. It’s a shame what women do to themselves these days trying to reach and maintain those ridiculous ideals.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Really beautiful women have cajones… and a few life wrinkles!
CP
Thanks for weighing in Christine. I realize that I’m a voice in the wilderness here compared to the cultural noise, but I really worry about the pressures women (and especially young ladies) feel to conform. Self-respect will grow as we are valued for who we are, not how hot we look. Though I still need to drop a few pounds and look like a UFC fighter….wait, never mind.
Thank you for this post! As a mother of 4 daughters, the oldest of whom just turned 15, this affirmation from an outside male POV serves as added weight to what my husband and I teach our girls. I agree that quality women deserve nothing less than quality men, and it’s imperative that those quality women settle for nothing less.
Beverly, it really all boils down to two words, doesn’t it? DON’T SETTLE! Keep teaching those girls to have high standards! (and let them know that men secretly respect those types – not the ones who’ve traded in their self-respect)
Steve – this is wonderful. Your wife is a very lucky woman to have a husband who treasures her so…. and your sons? What a tremendous example you are to them. Your future daughters-in-law will have men who will stand by them and honor them as you do your wife. That is unparallelled.
The blessed one, Danielle, is me. That God ever led me to Sandy, and that she has put up with me for so long, is a wonder…! And I’m so thankful that my kids have a living vision of what true womanhood is.
Love this. Love it all.
Best comment on Facebook, from Frank Martin:
Well put, my friend. Curves and character beat bones and blush any day of the year.
Ha! Perfect…
You did it again, Steve. Put tears in my eyes. I’m “a woman who is older” and I have a wonderful husband who also sees the beauty from within that outshines my wrinkles, stretch marks and scars. Men like you and Mark are true treasures. Thanks for sharing.
Ronni – we have a bouquet of flowers in the kitchen that I got for my wife before Christmas, and it still looks fresh and beautiful today. You’ve always been like that. Mark is a lucky man!
….more tears.
great post Steve! these points and others will definitely be shared with my young boys as they become men…
Please allow me to be the one (respectful!) voice of dissent. As you know Steve, I first misunderstood this post as being about “instructions for women on how to be beautiful” and I was pretty annoyed. Thankfully, your buddy Lisa Petrilli set me straight.
She did frame it though as being instructions to your sons (although that first bullet sure seems aimed at women, not your sons). And in that light, I’d like to add some thoughts of my own. As a feminist, I know how young men view women is partly shaped at home. So this important to me.
Yes, there are many different ways that women can be attractive. But how attractive a woman is is not the most important thing about her unless you’re looking to date her / otherwise interact with her in a sexual manner.
Women are your co-workers, your superiors, your customers, your relatives – your daughters. Please remember they are human beings first. Even if these instructions are meant solely in the context of interacting with women in a potential sexual manner, remembering that she’s a human being first will put you ahead of those who DON’T do this.
And women, reading these instructions: you are more than how attractive you are to men (or women). You are more than whether or not men or women find you appealing, a la instructions as to how to be “pretty” or “have character.”
Lastly: I’m really tired, as a thin woman, for being bashed for what my natural body looks like. We come in all shapes and sizes, including thin. It’s known across the internet that I have an illness that makes me thin, but guess what? My illness-free sisters are also thin. One of them is a model (yes, she supports herself AND puts herself through school on this income). I don’t think you need to dehumanize my sister in order to celebrate women of other body types. It’s also not her fault that the entire fashion complex celebrates the thin woman, so if you want to tear down that concept, go after them and not the women themselves.
Steve, I get what you were trying to do here, and I’m grateful that you care. I just think we need to get away from 1) making whether or not women appeal to men/women as the most important thing about them and 2) trashing thin women. Thanks for letting me speak my mind.
Jenn,
First, allow me to thank you – very sincerely – for speaking your mind. Anytime we take a strong point of view on something, there’s always the danger of overstating (or not qualifying certain statements).
Your perspectives provide a very needed counter-balance. I think you can understand that I’m trashing an industry that makes women feel uncomfortable with their body type, but I may also have inadvertently swung that pendulum in the wrong direction. Thin is also beautiful – and for those who are naturally thin, nothing is going to look better. It’s just not a goal for everyone to pursue because it’s today’s fashion ideal.
I think everyone wants to be attractive to the opposite sex. It’s human nature and there’s nothing wrong with it. I just would like to see self-respect be far more “in” than some Hollywood image. And, frankly, I want to see women turn their backs on men who don’t treat them as people first.
I’m just a guy who’s a Dad that barbecues, splits wood, and tries to love his family. I’m probably going to say it all wrong at times, but I’m going to say it nonetheless. There’s more to attractiveness than being somebody’s idea of “hot.” And I’m betting you have a lot to offer the world, Jenn. Keep speaking up.
Hi Steve,
I definitely appreciate that you’d like to see more women respecting & accepting themselves. I consider men (and trans people) allies in this. I don’t think a conversation about self-respect can be couched, however, in what is considered “attractive” or “pretty” – in fact, I think it has the opposite effect.
It’s worth pointing out too that no, not everyone wants to be attractive to the opposite sex. Some people want to be attractive to the same sex. Some people don’t want to be attractive to anybody at all. Some people don’t fit in the box of “woman” and some don’t fit in the box of “man.” Gender identity and sexuality are on a spectrum, after all.
Barbeque, wood-splitting, and love are definitely included in my world view.
Jenn